Kait Mae

I told you I’d be getting personal eventually, and now’s the time.

Where do I start?

With this particular moment of my life, I have to go back a bit to before I ever met this man.

I dated guys much older than me, and I dated some younger than me. But there’s one key thing that all had in common – they might’ve listened to me, but none heard me. And this isn’t just in my romantic life.

Even in most of my friendships until recently, it felt like I was friends with people because of what I could give them – not for who I am.

In relationships, I found that same thing over and over. I was never with the right people because nobody wanted to get to know me, nobody wanted to really commit to someone whose shards were poking them.

So, I went to counseling after my last breakup and mended myself.

I realized that nobody else would ever handle my broken pieces, so I had to.

It’s been a few years since I stopped counseling. But I’ll never forget what I learned there. And I’ll always suggest counseling for people who ask. It’s not about venting – it’s about finding what works for you and what to do to feel like you again.

Moving on, let’s get to present-day.

I went back to school for my Master’s degree – and it was probably the best decision I could’ve made.

I made genuine friends, discovered new things about myself, and got a job where I feel welcomed, wanted, and appreciated.

And I was happy with that. I am still happy with that.

But there was this one guy. A friend liked him, so I backed off immediately. Kept him at a friend’s distance.

Until the beginning of this summer.

Something switched, and it both scared and excited me. But I never planned on doing anything about it because I didn’t know if he liked me, or if we would want the same things in life, or if I was even allowed to.

Long story short, he did like me back. But we didn’t get to figure that out on our own terms. Someone forced us to confront feelings we weren’t ready to deal with.

And in the end, we both got hurt and lost someone we thought was our friend.

You’re probably wondering what this has to do – and I promise, I’m getting there.

We had a hard discussion because I’m 27 – I don’t have time to waste in finding my person, and I never want to waste anyone else’s time either. At this age, I want to put everything out there – even the stuff that pushes people away – because that’s who I am.

Another long story short, he wants kids and I don’t. I literally plan on never getting pregnant. That’s a non-negotiable for me. So, mutually, we agreed not to pursue anything. We’re staying friends, and it’s not awkward for us.

I’m so grateful for him being one of my best friends – but as the week passed after everything, I started realizing he was falling for an idea of me. I was analyzing things he’d said to me, things he’d wanted for a life with me if I gave him the chance – and while it was always beautiful sentiments, it never lined up with what I wanted in a relationship.

It was hard to come to terms with that notion more than the fact we weren’t pursuing anything.

He wanted to protect me. I don’t want a protector.

He wants kids. I don’t.

He wants to financially support his partner. I want to make my own money and feel free to do so.

He’s an amazing man, and I know he’ll find someone who wants exactly what he wants. But the “me” he imagined loving one day wasn’t me. It was just a facade he’d built up.

I’m near tears writing this because that hurts the most out of all of this. Even more so than our “friends” who supported us and wanted the best hurting us by forcing us to confront this. It hurts even more than the friend who blamed me for this and said the other person had it worse.

You’re asking what’s the point of this story, aren’t you?

The whole point of me writing this out was more a therapeutical exercise on getting my feelings out. But it’s also to share my experience as someone who craves romantic affection and love, but has never been given the chance.

It’s to show that sometimes you think you’re falling for someone and miss critical things in their lives, their words, their actions.

It’s to show that someone could be the most amazing person in your life and still not be the right person. And that is okay. It’s life.

It’s to show that if you feel as if people keep falling for a piece of you and not all of you, you’re not alone.

It’s to show that if you feel broken, you can’t accept love you truly deserve until you hold those shards yourself and show them love first.

It’s to show that non-negotiables are important. And you can bring them up quickly in relationships. If it doesn’t work, it’s better to know now and not 5 years down the road.

I really hope someone reads this and feels seen and heard, too. Because it doesn’t matter if nobody or 100 people read this. I feel seen now. I feel heard now. I am seen and heard now.

And I hope I can find someone who sees and hears everything I say and do one day, but it’s okay if I don’t.

Because I see and hear me.