Kait Mae

The feeling when someone brushes up against you on the bus, in the hallway. The feeling when someone plays with your hair. The feeling when someone runs their finger down your arm lightly, barely there. It’s when someone hits you, leaving bruises on the skin and bruises deep in your soul. It’s the feeling when someone you love grabs your hand in front of everyone. Touch is the feeling of lips kissing your cheek. Touch is what you feel when you play pattycake as a kid and your palms hit each other’s as you sing and laugh. Touch is a pat on the back when you score the winning point. Touch is the feeling of the light whisper of a kiss on your forehead when you’re barely awake.
Everything you do in life, you touch something. Lying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin around. You’re touching your bed. Standing in the middle of your room, looking for the shoe that’s right in plain sight. Touching the floor. Dancing that first dance at your wedding, you’re touching your spouse, you’re touching the floor, you’re touching your clothes. You never stop touching stuff, even if you’re unaware, you are doing it. From the moment you’re born, you never stop the sense touch.
What is touch? Simply put, it means to come so close to an object as to be or come into contact with it. It’s to handle in order to manipulate, alter, or otherwise affect something, especially in an adverse way. It’s the act of touching someone or something.
But, to me, it’s much more.
And it’s probably more than a dictionary definition to you, too.
Pattycake, red rover, tag. Childhood is filled with touching others, even if it is just a high five. Sports require touching something, kicking the ball, catching a football, tackling someone. Simple little touches from your mother and hugs from your father. Every time someone touches you, it builds you more into who you are going to be. It defines who you were before you became who you were meant to be.
When I was a kid, I would always pick flowers. I didn’t care what they were, I just wanted to touch them. The petals were always so soft and smooth. It’s what made me want to have a soft touch whenever I could. I guess, I’m like a flower. When I bloom, it’s beautiful. But, even when I’m not in bloom, I still have a soft touch. It’s the thing people comment on most about me.
As a kid, you innocently hold hands with your friends, girls and boys. Then you reach middle school and, boom, it means something. As you grow up, the innocent touch starts to grow a meaning. Nobody could explain it to me then, but now, I realize it’s because we get touched so much that it starts to lose its meaning if you do it too much. Just like saying “I love you” to everyone every time you see them, the touch will lose its meaning to you while it means a lot to another person.
Embrace. A hug. The most innocent act a child could do. Growing up, it begins to mean something. Hugs begin to show someone’s true feelings. There are the hugs where you embrace just one side of someone, a quick gesture of politeness and civility. And then, the hugs where you cling to each other, never wanting to part. Sometimes, you cry and tears fall on the other person’s shoulders while you hang on to them for dear life. The hug that turns into a walking embrace that you do when you see someone for the first time in months in an airport. That’s the hug that you see everywhere on social media. The homecoming hugs, the welcome back to my arms hug. The ones where you see someone clinging to someone else, and then you clutch at your heart as tears form in the corners of your eyes.
The whispers of a kiss. The light tingles you feel when someone runs their fingers down your arm when you’re laying together. These are the types of touches that not only touch your skin, but also touch your soul. The lightest touches can be the best you feel in a day, a week, or even a year. Sometimes, they are the ones you remember for a lifetime.
In my sleep, I have kissed my boyfriend on the shoulder. It’s woken him up before, realizing I had still been sleeping. Touch is something I’ve found to wake me up. I could sleep through a hurricane or blizzard, but the minute somebody touches me, I wake up. I’ll only sleep through it if I know someone is in the bed with me.
The worst possible touch that someone still living could pass to someone is a hit or strike. The bruises those leave might heal on the surface but never do under the skin. The bruises on your soul that only time can heal so much. Nobody could ever know how painful those hurt years after the events that caused them. That touch is one that stays with you forever, only being numb once you find true happiness by yourself. It’s the kind that nobody expects. They always say to expect the unexpected, but they don’t remember that when it’s happening to them.
When I was in my longest abusive relationship, I would have bruises on my skin that I lied about. If I hadn’t done that, I would be able to go out in crowds without having an anxiety attack. The memory of the hits and punches I endured will never leave my mind. I will always flinch when someone swings at me, even if I know they wouldn’t hit me and were just joking. It breaks someone’s heart, soul and spirit to endure pain, especially when it is caused by someone they loved and thought loved them.
When you’re drowning, you touch the water that seems to be pulling you down for what seems like forever. The water touches your lungs, making it feel like you’re breathing in fire. You grasp at anything that will pull you up, but the touch never changes from water to solid ground.
Hopefully, you never experience that kind of touch.
Those long nights staying up talking with the person you love, talking into the wee hours where the sun just starts peeking over the horizon. You’re cuddled up in bed, their arm around your waist, your hand on their chest. It’s those intimate moments that you never tell another soul about that sticks with you.
Someone scratching your scalp while you lay on their lap. Why does it feel so nice? Why is that one action what can drive someone to deep sleep in the middle of the day? According to science, it’s because our hair is delicately connected to nerve endings in our scalp. But, if you ask someone who doesn’t care about the science of it, they’ll just say that it’s because it shows that someone is there in case something goes wrong. A random stranger wouldn’t scratch your scalp until you fall asleep. Only someone who is there for you is going to do that, be it a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a family member, or a friend.
So what does touch do to you emotionally? It builds love in certain relationships. Those little kisses you sneak when nobody’s looking. The feeling of a bouquet hiding behind your back while you wait for your prom date to come down the stairs. The ring box in your hand as you get down on one knee to finally propose to the love of your life. The feeling of that first kiss as husband and wife.
Touch can make a friendship that can last a lifetime.
Touch can give the illusion of care. It may be real, but it can also be fake. Either way, there’s a touch to go with that feeling.
But, touch can also break a relationship. It can break a person. It can break a soul. Those nights where you’re scared to say what you’re thinking for fear of that one touch. It breaks someone and they will always be fearful that it will happen again.
Judy Bloom says that our fingerprints don’t fade from the lives we touch. I couldn’t agree more. Smell might be the biggest memory component, but touch is just as big in my book. I can barely smell because of allergies and the cold winter air, but I can touch and feel no matter how sick I am or feel.
Touch. No matter how old you get, it never changes. And no matter how much you forget in your lifetime, touch has a memory. Or at least that’s what John Keats said. And I think that’s true. I remember the bad touches and the good touches. I remember the first touches and the last touches. I’m sure you do, too.